Giving Up is not an Option!

Being a parent has been one of the most rewarding and challenging responsibilities I have in my life.  Like other parents, I want the best for my children.  I want them to be honest and value themselves.  I want for them to work hard and do their best in all that they do.  I want them to make good choices and when they don't, take accountability for it and be a problem solver about it and/or ask for help when they are having a difficult time. 

I  have been truly blessed with wonderful kids.  That doesn't mean we don't have bad days.  Believe me, we have them.  I've recognized over the years of parenting my children, about 70% of it has been motivation through fear.  I use to beat myself up inside and hold a lot of guilt for the way I parented.  It stopped me from changing the way I chose to run the household.  When  I finally started to learn more about myself and the importance of taking care of my needs and the relationship I have with myself, it was then, that I started to take healthy risks and set boundaries with myself. 

I slowly discovered the greatness of my self worth and working on me mentally and emotionally.  The commitment I made to myself at that time was telling myself "Giving Up is not an Option."  I valued myself enough to be humble and allow others to help me.  Learning new skills and tools of how to create the same value in my children became such a success.  I no longer put myself down or hold on to the guilt.  I am quicker to forgive myself for past mistakes and mistakes that I continue to make.  And most important, my children are learning to find value within themselves and letting their voice be heard in the home.

"Giving Up is not an Option," it has helped me reach out to others when I thought I was going to lose myself.  I'm so happy to know that I can continue to progress in my journey as a parent. And to focus on the progress and not the mistakes.

Depression and Value Based Life Style

Depression and Value Based Life Style

Depression is that state of mind when you feel helpless, hapless and hopeless. Most of depression results from being out of touch with your innerself in the sense of feeling dead  inside yet very much intouch with the innerself in constantly focusing on what is wrong or what I’m doing wrong. Often depression results from not having enough focus or direction in life. You feel adrift and you are at the whims of others, with little or no control over what will happen to you. (helpless) You make decisions based on what others tell you rather than listening to the directions of an inner compass. The inner compass is spinning and a direction doesn’t exist. (hapless) Your decisions lack conviction and you just want some release so you turn to alcohol or drugs, of any kind, for solace. (helpless)

      

Having values in your life essentially stops most of the depressive symptoms before they become a state of depression. Yes, you will have ups and downs of life, this is part of being human. But values give you a constant direction in your life, with boundaries, which are automatically tied into your values. When you have a constant direction and have established boundaries to protect you from the influences of others or your own desire for misdirection you remain on course, safe and secure you are progressing in a manner both healthy and functional. 

Values designed to keep you away from feelings of depression are:

1.      I will take care of my body. This means you literally will do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy body. This includes exercise, eating right, sleeping right and maintaining an appropriate body weight. It also means I don’t use drugs beyond that proscribed by my doctor, I don’t over indulge in alcohol and I take care of physical things necessary for my age, i.e. physical checkups, cancer checkups, etc. It also means I’m aware of the health problems indemic to my family (diabetes, specific types of cancer, etc.) and I take precautions to prevent these health problems.

2.      I will live an active life style. This means you will get off the couch and interact with others. It means you will get outside as often as possible and engage in some form of games, (social or formal) picnics, cookouts, reunions, etc. It means you limit the amount of time you spend playing computer games, watching TV, surfing the net, eating, etc. It means you will take an inventory of your life and look honestly at who your friends are and what you do together. You may find you don’t have many friends or have lost contact with the friends you once had. It means you will move “being active” way up on your priority list.

3.      I will exercise my belief in God. This means you will start to pray and exercise your belief in something greater than you. A belief in someone who has a greater understanding of the universe, your life, your purpose in life and your greater abilities helps to calm your soul. It means you know there is somewhere else you can look for help and He is always willing to help those who ask. But, you have got to ask. This is faith. Faith is essential to believing something will help. So have faith in and believe in you by applying the above values.

 

 

  Richard Moody, Ph.D.

 

 

ACCEPT OUR DECISIONS

ACCEPT OUR DECISIONS

A woman I was talking with the other day was berating herself on what a terrible parent she was because she couldn’t always control her children or the house wasn’t always clean, etc. When I investigated further about her children, I found they were straight "A" students in school, they seemed to have friends, were attending church and were basically really “good” children. She felt like every day was a struggle with her children. In her case, it was, since she has three children that have been diagnosed with Asperger and ADHD.

Her struggle was with her self-esteem and her decisions never seemed to be good enough. Every day each of us will struggle with the decisions of that day and make the best decisions we can, that day, based on what we know at that time. Tomorrow, next week or next year we may look back and say, “Wow, what was I thinking when I did that!” Tomorrow or next week you will have more information and more experience about the situation and therefore your decisions at that time will be different because of the additional information and experience. We need to learn to accept our decisions we make at any given time and move on knowing we did the best we could at that time.

 

 

Richard Y Moody, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

 

Patience + Consistency = RESULTS!

A few weeks ago, I was at the supermarket purchasing some groceries.  I came across a mother and her two kids.  The kids were probably around the ages of 8 and maybe 7 years old.  I could see that this mother was very frustrated and just ready to leave the store.  The two young boys were fighting and yelling and would not listen to anything their mother was saying.  She began to use threat of taking away their favorite toys and putting them to bed early if they did not stop.  She started to yell at them and threaten to put them in the car if they did not listen.  Nothing worked.  She became very agitated, but continued to try and get them to stop fighting as she continued to shop.  Making threats and yelling was not getting anywhere with this mother.

Can you relate to this mother?  Have you ever been in this situation or similar to it?  I believe one of the biggest struggles parents face with their own children is the lack of Patience.  If you are a parent of a child who is continuously testing the limits of what you ask of them, it can be very challenging.  Our automatic thought is the need to keep this child under control.  Which can lead to more issues and less patience.

Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. 

It's definitely work to have patience with your children and be willing to work through the need to not have control over them, but to learn to influence them through building a relationship of trust.  What are you doing as parents to work on a stronger relationship with your children?   How do you come across to your children?  As parents, we need to be able to recognize when we are motivating ourselves and our children through fear.  And be able to stop and turn it into motivating through love.  Communication is one of the main tools here to apply.  Making the time to listen to your kids who need the time to talk with you and making time for the ones who need the time to just be with you and spending time together.  

How consistent are you with the things you say you are going to do when it comes to your children?

Consistency means you are willing to do or act upon what you committed to and there is no giving up when things start to become difficult or challenging.

I believe we all have the struggles of being consistent in our daily lives.  I know I do.  Regardless, of what the situation is, if we are not willing to commit and follow through with what we say we are going to do, we will not see the results we are looking for.  Parents who struggle to hold their children accountable or responsible for choices they make in life find themselves giving in to their kids behaviors because of the lack of patience and inconsistency in their efforts to change the way they parent. 

I encourage and challenge all parents to follow this equation to building a stronger relationship with your children.  

PATIENCE + CONSISTENCY = RESULTS

 

THE NEW YEAR

Thinking back on 2012, my kids and I have experienced our share of hardships and trials. This past year has been a huge blessing in disguise.  As a single parent, I have learned so much about what unconditional love is.  Not just from others around me or in my life, but within myself.  Everyday that I practice and put to work the tools and skills I have gained over this past year, I notice the change in myself and the willingness to face my fears with acknowledging the value in it.  Taking healthy risks and understanding that it might not always result in what I would hope for it to be, but to know that I am gaining a sense of security and confidence within myself to take it and accept it, is what I need.

Looking back at everything my family has gone through this past year, I am thankful to my Higher Power who has shown me the importance of the progress that is made and not to dwell on the failures or weaknesses, but to embrace the adversity and look at it as a learning and teaching opportunity.  I am truly thankful for my children and the ability each of them have to overcome trials in their lives and be able to continue to learn the meaning of their own significant value within themselves.

I have learned to understand this is an ongoing process for me as a parent to continue to focus on the value of life and its opportunities to do better and to remind myself that it is about progress and not perfection.  The New Year has given me hope, knowledge, wisdom, love, forgiveness, humility and so much more to not only apply in my own life, but to have the great opportunity to help others to see the value within themselves and hopefully teach it to their children and families as well.

The New Year is definitely looking forward to bigger and better things to come.  And to continue to progress in my journey as a parent to strive to do better each day in my relationship with the greatest blessings I have in my life.  My kids!

What are you grateful for?

During this Christmas Season, I encourage all families to really ponder the meaning of Christmas.  As parents, ask yourself what are you doing to instill value and traditions in your children.  How do we teach our children the importance of gratitude?  What a great time and season to start focusing on what we are truly grateful for.

THE PROCESS OF GRATITUDE

Have you ever noticed that when you are standing in an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, nothing else seems to matter?  That feeling of Gratitude serves as an anchor connecting us to the moment we are currently in. 

The interesting part to me is the process we go through in order to feel that feeling.  There seems to be three significant things which happen.  The first is “awareness”.  Awareness requires us to be looking outside of our own selfish thoughts and feelings.  It allows us to be open and to receive.  The second is “surrender”. It is the ability to fully let go of all things small and petty.  Allowing ourselves to be totally absorbed into that moment.  The third is a “change of focus”. At that moment when that over whelming feeling of gratitude occurs, we are no longer fixated on the past or afraid of the future.  We are truly congruent with the moment and have created a feeling of safety and serenity.  For that moment we feel absolutely content. 

Gratitude is an emotion that is rooted in love and can serve to be a grounding force in helping us to see our value.  What are you grateful for?

Dean N Nixon
Seminar Director, Life Coach
TurningLeaf Wellness Center

CONTROL vs. INFLUENCE

How do you deal with a child who struggles to accept accountability for their behavior?  Why does this child struggle with respect?  Why is he/she always getting into fights with his/her siblings.  Why can't they listen?  Is it so hard to do your chores?  What's wrong with helping your sister with her homework?  Why are you being so selfish?  Is this child going to be this way for the rest of his/her life?

As parents, we all have our own share of  issues and struggles in our own families.  However, we all probably ask ourselves the same typical questions any parent might ask them self when it comes to their children and the ongoing struggles of parenting.  

We sometimes personalize our child's behavior and it puts us in a place we did not want to go, but in our minds we needed the control.  In reality, it became out of control and we handled the situation totally wrong.  It can be difficult to admit as a parent when we have made mistakes.  The reason might be that we may think we are losing control of our children and feel we need to gain control.

It's important to understand that Control is an illusion.  It is the power to direct people's behavior or the course of events.  There are three things to keep in mind when we think about control.  We as human beings have control over our own thoughts, emotions and actions.  We cannot control others behaviors or choices. This can be a struggle for a lot of us because we tend to take control of our children and their behaviors.  Or at least we think we do.

We can only influence others.  Influence is about establishing a relationship with your child.  When the child feels validated by you, they are more receptive to you.   Ask yourself this question, in what ways have you tried to establish a strong relationship with your child?  Take some time to sit down and list some ideas of how you can be more influential in your child's life.  For example, write down a situation, come up with a goal, and write down what shifts or changes you need to make to achieve that goal. 

This is a great start to building a healthy relationship with your children.  Stay focused and committed to the process.  Remember, it's about Influence and not Control.