What are you grateful for?

During this Christmas Season, I encourage all families to really ponder the meaning of Christmas.  As parents, ask yourself what are you doing to instill value and traditions in your children.  How do we teach our children the importance of gratitude?  What a great time and season to start focusing on what we are truly grateful for.

THE PROCESS OF GRATITUDE

Have you ever noticed that when you are standing in an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, nothing else seems to matter?  That feeling of Gratitude serves as an anchor connecting us to the moment we are currently in. 

The interesting part to me is the process we go through in order to feel that feeling.  There seems to be three significant things which happen.  The first is “awareness”.  Awareness requires us to be looking outside of our own selfish thoughts and feelings.  It allows us to be open and to receive.  The second is “surrender”. It is the ability to fully let go of all things small and petty.  Allowing ourselves to be totally absorbed into that moment.  The third is a “change of focus”. At that moment when that over whelming feeling of gratitude occurs, we are no longer fixated on the past or afraid of the future.  We are truly congruent with the moment and have created a feeling of safety and serenity.  For that moment we feel absolutely content. 

Gratitude is an emotion that is rooted in love and can serve to be a grounding force in helping us to see our value.  What are you grateful for?

Dean N Nixon
Seminar Director, Life Coach
TurningLeaf Wellness Center

CONTROL vs. INFLUENCE

How do you deal with a child who struggles to accept accountability for their behavior?  Why does this child struggle with respect?  Why is he/she always getting into fights with his/her siblings.  Why can't they listen?  Is it so hard to do your chores?  What's wrong with helping your sister with her homework?  Why are you being so selfish?  Is this child going to be this way for the rest of his/her life?

As parents, we all have our own share of  issues and struggles in our own families.  However, we all probably ask ourselves the same typical questions any parent might ask them self when it comes to their children and the ongoing struggles of parenting.  

We sometimes personalize our child's behavior and it puts us in a place we did not want to go, but in our minds we needed the control.  In reality, it became out of control and we handled the situation totally wrong.  It can be difficult to admit as a parent when we have made mistakes.  The reason might be that we may think we are losing control of our children and feel we need to gain control.

It's important to understand that Control is an illusion.  It is the power to direct people's behavior or the course of events.  There are three things to keep in mind when we think about control.  We as human beings have control over our own thoughts, emotions and actions.  We cannot control others behaviors or choices. This can be a struggle for a lot of us because we tend to take control of our children and their behaviors.  Or at least we think we do.

We can only influence others.  Influence is about establishing a relationship with your child.  When the child feels validated by you, they are more receptive to you.   Ask yourself this question, in what ways have you tried to establish a strong relationship with your child?  Take some time to sit down and list some ideas of how you can be more influential in your child's life.  For example, write down a situation, come up with a goal, and write down what shifts or changes you need to make to achieve that goal. 

This is a great start to building a healthy relationship with your children.  Stay focused and committed to the process.  Remember, it's about Influence and not Control.

Because I Told You So (Child/Teen Dilemmas)

It’s summer, school is out!  A whole new set of dilemmas have arrived.   It is easy as parents to stare blankly at the problems that come from children getting out of school.  Whether it be as simple as trying to figure out what they will eat during the day to dealing with a defiant child having so much free time they refuse to get out of bed and help maintain the home.  Regardless of the dilemma,  one of the things we have to remember is that it is always important to engage our children in the solutions.  The most powerful tool in our toolbox as parents is the ability to give our children a voice and help them learn that they can solve problems and participate in the solution of problems in order to learn how to be self-governing. 

Recently while listening to a parent describe their interaction with their defiant teenager I became concerned at the parents response which was simply “Because I said so”.  Giving the child the impression of “I am right, you are wrong”, “I am the adult, and you are the child”.  While it is important for children to be obedient, it is just as important to teach children the value in being obedient. Too often we see defiance as a personal affront.  In reality it’s simply children or teens testing boundaries.  We as parents have to abandon the belief that when we say “because I said so” and the child in turn complies, it means we were right.

 I propose that we need to become more focused of results as parents.  It is more important to become focused on our children’s understanding of why they are doing what they are doing, their response and their reaction to our requests; rather than trying to control our children into or out of behaviors.  Becoming more result oriented as a parent gives us the opportunity to open conversations and deepen our relationships with our children while increasing their understanding of why they are doing what they are doing.  Creating long term values within the child gives them the ability to first value us as a powerful viable source of information and second the desire to be accountable because they have come to understand the benefits of doing so. 


Dean N Nixon
Seminar Director, Life Coach

THE CHOICE IS YOURS

This blog was written by Richard Y. Moody.  He is a Clinical Psychologist and co-owner of CHOICE, LLC.  I found his message to be very helpful and insightful.  As a parent, I can definitely relate.  As a parenting coach, it definitely is important to help others understand that everything we do in our lives is by choice.

I often wonder if we are exercising all of the choices we have available to us. Og Mandino in his book the “Choice” said, “Those who live in unhappy failure have never exercised their options for a better way of life because they have never been aware that they had any choices! So many of us fail to notice our entire life is about making choices. Everything is a choice.

People intimate they “have to” do certain things:

“I have to take care of my child.”

"I have to go to work.”

"I have to feed my family.”

All of these “have to's” are really a choice. We can choose not to go to work or not to feed our family, etc. but we choose to do so because the consequences of not doing so move us to make the choice to do it. Thus reframing the way we talk to ourselves often helps make life smoother. Rather than talking to yourself in terms of “I have to” start saying to yourself “I choose to go to work” or “I choose to feed my family”. By saying “I choose” you are recognizing your choices in life and putting yourself back in control of you.

Richard Y Moody, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

      

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CREATING RAPPORT WITH YOUR CHILDREN

Sometimes it can be difficult focusing on your relationship with your children and what they need from you. Your everyday life is busy with work, kids, paying bills, meals, chores, meetings, extra curricular activities. The challenges of finding a balance to juggle all of these things can sometimes put a strain on parents who find themselves just trying to make it through the day. As parents we tend to put ourselves out there and forget to take care of our own personal needs, so that we can be there to focus on building a relationship with our children. Learning to motivate children with love and use your powerful tool of influence. Learning how to communicate more effectively with your child. 

3-Steps to having better communication with your child and building a positive relationship. 

1. Your intentions must be Pure and Clear. If you ask yourself, "What is my motive? Am I motivated by fear or love? Do I value the relationship with my child?" These questions will help you to check your intentions when you are talking with your child. It's also very important to be very clear with what it is you need to share and asking your child to respond back with what it is they heard you say.

2. Create a safe environment. As parents it is crucial to the process of building a positive relationship with our children to make sure we create a safe environment physically and emotionally. So, ask yourself "what do I personally need to feel safe?" "What do I think my child needs to feel safe with me?" "What do I do to make sure that I have that safe atmosphere for my child and myself?"

3. Ask Questions. When you have a child that only answers yes or no and struggles to just talk with you overall, asking he/she questions can help with relationship building. Your opportunity is to seek out what they are feeling, thinking, etc. So, focus on those types of questions. Something else to look out for when asking questions is to be careful of challenging questions. Whenever you find yourself asking your child a challenging question, it will set you back to the question of asking yourself, what is your intentions? An example of a challenging question is "why are you always whining and complaining?" "what did you do to your sister?" "Why is it that every time I get home from work the house is not clean?"

If you follow these three steps along with being patient and consistent in your efforts you will see the results. And that is having a rapport with your children.

VALUE

What is the definition of VALUE?
In the Merriam Webster Dictionary -  its definition is the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance or preciousness of something.


How does a parent define what value is to their children?

As a parent this may be something simple to answer.  However, for some parents it may not be.
Is it the materialistic things we own?  Or how much money we have?  The type of friends we choose to be around?  What kind of car we drive?  Could it be the religion we belong to?  Or the tattoos we have on our bodies?  Is it the way we look or what kinds of clothes we where?  What about the job that we have?  Does that define value?

Often times we determine our value by the roles we play in life.  We use them to define who we are.  When we do this, we connect our value to the external world.  Which puts us in a place to be co-dependent on the world for our value.

Being a parent of 4 children.  I had fears and struggled to figure out how I was going to teach my children the lesson of having value within themselves. Learning the concept of how I find my own value really was an eye-opener for me.  I recognized that I found most of my value externally and through others.  The moment I allowed myself to be honest with myself and realizing that the value within myself was what was going to teach my children, that was the beginning of taking healthy risks to place value in front of my fears and work through the changes I wanted to make. 

Parents must be willing to look within themselves and recognize the value within. Looking at yourself honestly means to look at what is working and what is not working. Begin today and work on the areas that need some improvement and be proud of the areas in which you are doing well.

My Teen Daughter

I have a 14 year old daughter. She's very bright and doing very well in school. She's also strong minded and can be a bully to her younger siblings. My biggest issue with her is the fact that she has a tendency to justify everything that she does or does not do. She struggles at times to take any accountability for choices that she makes. Well, last weekend her and I had a conflict that really triggered my anger. I was able to walk away because of the thoughts I was having towards her, I immediately needed to back off and take a time-out. We both went to bed that night, not saying a word to one another. The next day, she went to school and I went to work. I came home from work and she greeted me with a "hello". I returned the hello with a smile and said "hello" back. I went to my room and returned back a few seconds later asking her if she felt we needed to talk. She agreed and followed me to my room. I started out the conversation of what happened the night before. I also shared with her, that I was surprised she didn't come talk to me before going to bed because she's my kid that can't go to bed upset or mad. She shared with me that she felt I was still angry and didn't feel it was a good idea for her to approach me. I continued to share with her and take accountability for my anger and apologize for allowing it to stay throughout the night. I also shared with her my concerns of her behavior in the home lately. Throughout the conversation I was able to ask her questions that would give her the opportunity to not just answer yes or no or I don't know, but actually express how she felt about what I said. I also gave myself time to really listen to her and even when she paused at times, I continued to wait on her to reply or respond. She was then able to apologize and be accountable for her behaviors that have not been reflecting the value in our home. And she ended it with, "I Love You, Mom." I was able to embrace her and share it right back. It's so important for me as a parent to continue to move forward and be able to model the example I want my children to follow. Boy, do I have days where I fall short and don't like the way I've handled things. However, I continue to practice the values I have for myself and one of those is Humility. Being able to admit when you have done something wrong and could of handled it differently is important for me to teach my kids and for them to experience. And most of all, ask for forgiveness and move forward.

Family In Crisis

The struggles of a family trying to help their troubled teen and not finding the right tools or gaining the right skills to work through the issues can be very overwhelming. A mother who has the utmost love for her daughter is at the end of the barrel. Seeking out any kind of help for her child, she breaks down herself and wonders if there is any hope for her family to overcome the issues and trauma they continue to endure. Apologizing for her tears and emotions she begins to share her guilt and shame of not being able to make things okay for her troubled teen. Financially in the hole for the past few years trying to pay for other medical bills that have been accumulated in the years.

This loving mother was given some options that might help with her daughter.  Listening to her share the issues that her daughter was having, it was very clear of what was needed for this teen and it was recommended.  The chance to talk and help the mother through this ordeal while we were on the phone was truly a great opportunity to be of service to her and to let her know that there are people out there who care and are willing to share some thoughts of comfort as well as possible solutions.

LOOKING FOR SOLUTIONS?

Are you facing challenges in your home raising teens whose choices and actions have been affecting not only themselves, but the family as well? Do you feel your teen(s) has or have a total disregard for authority in the home?  Are you experiencing more and more disrespect in your own home?  Is your teen going out at night and staying out all hours without your permission?  Are you unsure about what it is you need to do to help your teen(s)?  Let me tell you a little bit about CHOICE and our program.  CHOICE offers a Value-Based Parenting Program to families who are overwhelmed with raising teenager(s) who are making choices that negatively affect themselves and the members in their home.  We call it the In-Home Solution Program.  It's a 6-week program offering effective, result oriented strategies to create a safe-environment in the home along with implementing the Value-Based parenting program.  Our team actually comes to you.  We believe the solution is in the home and have 2 of our best professional parenting coaches come out for 5 days to work with you and your family.  Upon the coaches returning they will set up a follow up meeting with you and your family that will either be through skyping or conference call once a week for the next 5 weeks.  This is to ensure you and your family are receiving the support and help you need to follow through with working the program in your home.  

What I really love the most about this program is the opportunity to help teens to have a voice in the family and also find the value in themselves that will help them to govern themselves in their daily lives.  Parents are able to recognize their own value and efforts with following the value-based parenting program.  If you have answered "yes" to the questions above, give us a call today and get the help you have been looking for.  CHOICE - A Value Based Program at 1-888-625-1055. 

Pou Wright

Program Director